If You're Defensive About Your Drinking, You Might Have a Problem

Has anyone ever accused you of having a drinking problem? Perhaps it was a well-intentioned friend or colleague who made a “joke” that felt like it was directed at you or a family member who outright called you an alcoholic?

How did it make you feel?

It probably felt pretty awful. Thinking, or even knowing, that someone you love or respect thinks your drinking or drug use is out of control and needs to be addressed might make you feel angry or even ashamed.

If someone has accused you of having a problem with drugs or alcohol and you’ve been defensive or angry about it, however, they might be right.

Most people struggling with problems that they aren’t dealing with will get defensive when confronted. It’s a normal response. If you are worried that talking about your drinking might lead to having to go to rehab or quit drinking, and you’re not ready to take that step, you’re going to find a way to get out of the discussion.

Understanding the Defensive Response

Getting defensive when someone questions your alcohol use habits is a natural human reaction. It often stems from a fear of losing control or facing the possibility that you might actually have a problem.

You might minimize the amount you drink, rationalize your behavior by pointing to stressful situations, or even lash out at the person expressing concern. These reactions are all part of a defense mechanism designed to protect your ego and maintain the illusion that you're in control. 

Beyond the Initial Reaction

While getting defensive is a common human response, it's important to look deeper.  Is your defensiveness rooted in a genuine belief that you have your drinking under control, or is it a way to avoid confronting a potential issue?

Here's why defensiveness might be a red flag:

Fear of Losing Control: Denial is a powerful defense mechanism. By dismissing concerns, you can maintain the illusion that you're in charge and everything is fine. However, this fear of losing control could indicate an underlying struggle with alcohol use disorder (AUD)

Minimizing the Impact: You might downplay the amount you drink or justify your behavior by pointing to stressful situations. This minimization is a way to deflect attention from the potential negative consequences of your drinking on your health, relationships, and overall well-being.

Shifting the Blame: Defensive tactics often involve turning the conversation around, blaming others for your drinking, or playing the victim to gain sympathy. This deflection prevents you from taking responsibility for your actions and addressing the problem at hand.

The Warning Signs You Might Be Overlooking

Instead of getting defensive, consider these potential warning signs of problematic drinking:

Binge Drinking: Do you regularly consume a large quantity of alcohol in a short period? The NIAAA defines binge drinking as 5 or more drinks for men and 4 or more drinks for women within two hours.

Inability to Control Drinking: Once you start, do you find it difficult to stop? This inability to control your alcohol consumption could be a sign of dependence.

Tolerance: Do you need to drink more and more to achieve the same desired effect? This development of tolerance is a common symptom of AUD.

Withdrawal Symptoms: Do you experience physical or psychological discomfort like anxiety, sweating, tremors, or nausea when you try to cut back or quit drinking? These are classic withdrawal symptoms.

Negative Consequences: Despite experiencing negative impacts on your personal life, work, or health, do you continue to drink? This is a strong indicator of a problem.

Lashing Out At Those You Love

As hard as it is to talk openly about your substance use, it’s even harder on you and those around you to continue to deny or deflect the topic.

When you deny the issue outright, change the subject, or escalate your anger about their concerns, you create chips in your relationship's foundation. You may stay standing for now, but at some point, that foundation will collapse.

It is very common for someone who is defensive to twist the facts to distort reality or turn everything back on the other person.

If you’re trying to ‘win’ the argument by shifting the blame or trying to get sympathy by playing the victim, it should be a warning sign to you that you’re not really addressing the topic at hand. You might stop the current fight, but the war is not over.

Living in Denial

When accusations first start to surface, they may seem ridiculous. In your mind, you do not have a problem. Sure, you have a few drinks to unwind, but who doesn’t? Drinking actually improves your wit, lets you complete those projects, and helps you reach deadlines. With the stress you face daily, you deserve it, right?

If you feel this way at all, you should stop and reflect on how much you are actually drinking and whether or not it is impacting your relationships with your family, your friends, or your colleagues. If you’ve ever denied that you have a drinking problem, you may be in denial of the impact that your substance use is having on your life and the lives of your family.

This is especially difficult for people who function well in spite of their drinking habits. They can hold down a job, excel in academics, and provide for their family, all while still over-consuming alcohol. 

According to Psychology Today, a high-functioning alcoholic's success feeds their denial that they may have a problem. "They believe that their drinking only impacts themselves, that they deserve to drink because of their hard work or stress, and that if their life appears 'put together' on the outside, they are entitled to keep drinking."

Why Denial is Dangerous

Denial, however, can have serious consequences. It can prevent you from seeking the help you need and lead to a cycle of negative effects on your life.  Here's how excessive alcohol consumption can impact you:

Physical Health: Your liver, heart, brain, and other organs suffer significant damage when constantly bombarded by alcohol. Increased risk of stroke, heart disease, liver disease, and some cancers are all associated with chronic alcohol abuse.

Mental Health: The delicate balance of brain chemicals can be disrupted by AUD, leading to anxiety, depression, and even psychosis in severe cases. Alcohol can also worsen existing mental health conditions.

Relationships: Strained communication, broken trust, and emotional neglect are just some of the casualties of heavy drinking. Relationships with family, friends, and romantic partners become increasingly dysfunctional.

Legal Trouble: Driving under the influence (DUI) and other alcohol-related offenses can have devastating legal and financial repercussions.

Work Performance: Absenteeism, decreased productivity, and poor decision-making can lead to job insecurity or even termination.

Is it Time to Reach Out?

If this sounds even remotely familiar, it might be time to talk to an unbiased addiction treatment specialist for a no-commitment consultation. There is no shame in reaching out to ask for help or to talk about what some options might be to quit or cut back on drinking. It might be the most important call you’ll ever make.