Coping With an Alcoholic Parent

Having an alcoholic parent can have a drastic impact on the entire family. Here are some tips on coping with an alcoholic parent, and how you can protect your own well-being in the process. 

Signs your parent has an alcohol problem

If you are unsure whether or not your parent would be classified as an “alcoholic,” here are some signs to look out for:

• Hiding alcohol or lying about consumption of alcohol
• Getting defensive when confronted about their drinking
• Isolating from friends and family
• Neglecting personal and professional responsibilities 
• Mood swings or irritability 
• Often drinking alone or during the day
• Increased tolerance to alcohol

How Alcoholism affects the family

One family member’s drinking can heavily affect the rest of the family. Children of alcoholics may feel shame, sadness, or anger towards their parent.

They also will likely feel a sense of instability or abandonment if their needs are not being met. 

Growing up with an alcoholic parent can cause trauma for the child which can carry into adulthood. 

Is Alcoholism Heridary?

You may have heard that alcoholism “runs in the family,” but what does this mean?

Although it’s possible for individuals to inherit characteristics of alcoholism, the development of alcoholism is more dependent on one’s environment. 

Just because your parent has an alcohol use disorder, does not mean that you will develop one yourself, and there are steps that you can take in order to prevent developing alcoholism. 

Some helpful preventative tips include: 

• Practicing healthy coping skills
• Going to therapy
• Educating yourself about alcoholism
• Knowing your family’s history with substance abuse
• Having a strong support system

Codependency and alcoholism

A codependent relationship is a type of dysfunctional relationship where one person’s self-esteem and emotional needs become fully dependent on the other person. 

Codependency is very common in a relationship between an addict and a non-addict, and it can be harmful for both individuals.

Codependency usually goes hand-in-hand with enabling, which allows the addict’s behavior to continue without any consequences. 

In codependent relationships there is also a very unbalanced power dynamic, where one person gives and gives without ever getting anything back. 

Signs of a codependent relationship include:

• Feeling like you need to “save” the other person
• Putting the other person’s needs before your own
• Lack of boundaries
• Depending on the other person for your self-worth
• Accepting blame to avoid conflict
• Fear of being alone or abandoned

How to Help an alcoholic Parent

Although helping an alcoholic parent recover can seem like a daunting task, there is hope for recovery. 

• Don’t try to solve the problem on your own - Reach out to other family members, a close friend, a therapist, or an addiction treatment professional.
  
  
• Educate yourself about alcoholism - Learning how the brain of an alcoholic works can help you understand why your parent drinks, and why quitting is so difficult.
  
  
• Encourage treatment - There are many different options for treatment. Do some research to figure out what is available in your area, and which option may be best for your loved one.
  
  
• Set boundaries - Setting boundaries protects your parent from taking advantage of you, and can actually help maintain and even strengthen your relationship with your parent.
  
  
• Take care of yourself - Above all, when trying to help an alcoholic parent, ensure that you are taking time for yourself. You will not be able to help your parent if your own cup is empty. 

How to Set Boundaries with an alcoholic

In order to maintain a relationship with an alcoholic, it is essential that you set firm, healthy boundaries. 

It’s common for addicts to take advantage of those around them, and they may not respond well to your boundaries.

Setting boundaries can be difficult if you’ve never done it before, but allowing your parent to feel the consequences of their own actions is the only way for them to realize and accept that they need help. 

Some examples of healthy boundaries to set with an alcoholic parent include: 

• No alcohol allowed in your home
  
• No calling you when they are drunk 
• Refusing to make excuses for them
• Refusing to bail them out of jail if arrested
• Refusing to loan them money
• Not tolerating verbal abuse or insults

How to communicate your boundaries

After you determine what the boundaries should be, the next step is to communicate these boundaries with your parent. 

Here are a few tips to keep in mind:

• Choose a time when they are not under the influence.
  
  
• Begin the conversation from a place of love, rather than blame. Explain to them that you care about their well-being, and want to see them happy and healthy.
  
  
• Have other family members present who can back you up.
  
  
• Explain why you feel these boundaries are necessary.
  
  
• Encourage them to seek help.
  
  
• Clearly state what the consequences will be if these boundaries are violated, and follow through with them. 
  
  

Resources for family members of alcoholics

It can be an incredibly frustrating and painful experience when trying to help an alcoholic parent. However, you are not alone, and there are plenty of resources available to you to help you navigate this difficult situation. 

• Al-anon meetings - A support group for family members of alcoholics
• Families Anonymous - A 12-step program designed for family members of addicts.
• Love Over Addiction podcast - Hope and encouragement for those who love an addict.
• The Addicted Mind podcast - Understand addiction from a research and treatment perspective. 
• Addiction & Loved Ones eBook - Learn how to show concern without shame, separate the illness from the person, how to set boundaries, and more.
  
  

Support for family members of addicts

Dealing with a parent who struggles with alcoholism can be difficult and emotional. It's important to remember that addiction is a disease, and their actions have nothing to do with you.

You are not alone in your struggle. With time, patience, support, and the right tools, families can work together to overcome the challenges of addiction and build stronger, healthier relationships.

At Aquila Recovery of Virginia, we offer outpatient and intensive outpatient programs for alcohol use disorder.

Contact our addiction recovery staff to learn more about our programs and how we can help you and your family through this difficult time.